Bin Laden Bake Sale Falls Short of Goals

(Back in 2008, some friends and I had a site called Capital Hell, which was basically a less funny version of The Onion. We started off strong, but as the Bush presidency dwindled and Sarah Palin lost the Vice Presidency, we eventually got bored and the site is now gone. But just for fun, here's one of the more popular articles from Capital Hell.)

Flash back to 2001. Al-Qaeda was at the height of its power, a rising force to be reckoned with in the Middle East and the rest of the world. Through terrorism, the group had gained the attention of America, leaving good people half a world away trembling at the thought of the radical Moslem group. But Al-Qaeda's reign of terror abruptly came to an end in October of 2001 when United States forces attacked Afghanistan, stripping the Taliban, whom had supported Al-Qaeda, of it's power. This crippled Al-Qaeda influence, sending what was left of the group into hiding. Now, 10 years later the organization is still struggling to rebuild.

"Terror just isn't as profitable as it once was," remarked Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden via satellite. "Back in the roaring Nineties, terrorism was one great way to make a living. The money was flowing in and we got women too. Oh you should have seen the women! Sure, we never got a good 401k, but do suicide bombers really need to think about retirement anyway? I tell you, times were good back then. It's fun to reminisce. But in these turbulent days of recession, dot-com busts, and Infidel Imperialism, terrorism just doesn't bring in the dough like it used to."

In March, prominent Al-Qaeda leaders met in an unknown location, believed to be a cave somewhere in Pakistan, to discuss the future of their once proud organization. Bin Laden confirmed that several ideas were discussed, including giving up on the whole America-hating thing altogether. But group elders persisted Al-Qaeda remained true to its ideals, and the organization was not broken up. Instead, the leaders pursued ways to simultaneously raise funds and awareness. After hours of debate, Al-Qaeda decided to hold a bake sale.

Held last Saturday in the desert and consisting of two folding tables with over two dozen treats, the bake sale was able to bring in some much-needed funds for Al-Qaeda, but ultimately fell short of its objective. Weeks earlier the group announced their goal of raising $1.3 million dollars through the sale, but brought in just $46.

"This is especially disappointing when you consider the hours I had spent baking the night before," said Bin Laden. "I have an old family recipe for Rice Krispy Treats that is simply to die for. And Ayman al-Zawahiri's Hashish Brownies were quite a hit as well. Overall we sold plenty of goodies, but our margins were too small. In retrospect, charging 50 cents a brownie was probably not enough. We learned that lesson the hard way."

Many here in America consider this one for the "Win" column for Democracy. Vice President Joe Biden agrees, saying "I haven't been this proud to be an American since the day we got Saddam. Our bitter enemies have resorted to selling desserts, and have failed miserably at it. God bless America."

Speculation has risen that the CIA somehow sabotaged the bake sale, possibly by planting bad eggs into the peanut butter cookies, but nothing has been confirmed. Whether the CIA was involved in the sale's failures or not, one things is apparent - the event was poorly planned and poorly executed. Ask any PTA soccer mom in the States, and she'll tell you that bake sales are simply not events that can be thrown together on a whim.

Despite the disappointing day, Bin Laden remains confident the group will find a way to get by. "We have some more tricks up our sleeve. We're already laying out plans for a talent show later this summer. And once the weather cools down a bit we're going to have a 5k. We had talked about a car/camel wash, but things fell through."