Bin Laden Bake Sale Falls Short of Goals

(Back in 2008, some friends and I had a site called Capital Hell, which was basically a less funny version of The Onion. We started off strong, but as the Bush presidency dwindled and Sarah Palin lost the Vice Presidency, we eventually got bored and the site is now gone. But just for fun, here's one of the more popular articles from Capital Hell.)

Flash back to 2001. Al-Qaeda was at the height of its power, a rising force to be reckoned with in the Middle East and the rest of the world. Through terrorism, the group had gained the attention of America, leaving good people half a world away trembling at the thought of the radical Moslem group. But Al-Qaeda's reign of terror abruptly came to an end in October of 2001 when United States forces attacked Afghanistan, stripping the Taliban, whom had supported Al-Qaeda, of it's power. This crippled Al-Qaeda influence, sending what was left of the group into hiding. Now, 10 years later the organization is still struggling to rebuild.

"Terror just isn't as profitable as it once was," remarked Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden via satellite. "Back in the roaring Nineties, terrorism was one great way to make a living. The money was flowing in and we got women too. Oh you should have seen the women! Sure, we never got a good 401k, but do suicide bombers really need to think about retirement anyway? I tell you, times were good back then. It's fun to reminisce. But in these turbulent days of recession, dot-com busts, and Infidel Imperialism, terrorism just doesn't bring in the dough like it used to."

In March, prominent Al-Qaeda leaders met in an unknown location, believed to be a cave somewhere in Pakistan, to discuss the future of their once proud organization. Bin Laden confirmed that several ideas were discussed, including giving up on the whole America-hating thing altogether. But group elders persisted Al-Qaeda remained true to its ideals, and the organization was not broken up. Instead, the leaders pursued ways to simultaneously raise funds and awareness. After hours of debate, Al-Qaeda decided to hold a bake sale.

Held last Saturday in the desert and consisting of two folding tables with over two dozen treats, the bake sale was able to bring in some much-needed funds for Al-Qaeda, but ultimately fell short of its objective. Weeks earlier the group announced their goal of raising $1.3 million dollars through the sale, but brought in just $46.

"This is especially disappointing when you consider the hours I had spent baking the night before," said Bin Laden. "I have an old family recipe for Rice Krispy Treats that is simply to die for. And Ayman al-Zawahiri's Hashish Brownies were quite a hit as well. Overall we sold plenty of goodies, but our margins were too small. In retrospect, charging 50 cents a brownie was probably not enough. We learned that lesson the hard way."

Many here in America consider this one for the "Win" column for Democracy. Vice President Joe Biden agrees, saying "I haven't been this proud to be an American since the day we got Saddam. Our bitter enemies have resorted to selling desserts, and have failed miserably at it. God bless America."

Speculation has risen that the CIA somehow sabotaged the bake sale, possibly by planting bad eggs into the peanut butter cookies, but nothing has been confirmed. Whether the CIA was involved in the sale's failures or not, one things is apparent - the event was poorly planned and poorly executed. Ask any PTA soccer mom in the States, and she'll tell you that bake sales are simply not events that can be thrown together on a whim.

Despite the disappointing day, Bin Laden remains confident the group will find a way to get by. "We have some more tricks up our sleeve. We're already laying out plans for a talent show later this summer. And once the weather cools down a bit we're going to have a 5k. We had talked about a car/camel wash, but things fell through."

Prologue

I can go on Facebook and see what an old high school acquaintance had for breakfast this morning. I can check Twitter to read a stranger’s thoughts on Charlie Sheen in broken English. I can browse through a coworker’s blog to read her regurgitated thoughts on Libya. I can find out where my old boss is now working via LinkedIn. I can see a friend’s band play crappy punk covers on Youtube. I can log into Myspace to… wait, does anyone even use Myspace anymore? Never mind.

It goes without saying that the internet has changed our lives. Some may even argue that it has been for the better, and more often than not those people would be right. Things like the ability to keep in touch with distant relatives, having the luxury of looking up driving directions, and being able to distract yourself from working by browsing through ESPN.com are undeniable benefits we receive from the World Wide Web (well, they would if people still called it that). Other “benefits” from the internet such as receiving questionable facts from Wikipedia, seeing the box scores from every Major League Baseball game ever played, and the existence of Julian Assange... well, they fall into more of a gray area.

I would argue that Social Networking also falls into that same gray area. Has it really improved our lives? In the past couple years or so, this phenomenon has gone from cute little distraction to a cultural mainstay. It has become part of our everyday life. Some people watch Youtube more than TV, get their news through Facebook, or have more social interaction via Twitter than through traditional conversation.

I’m not going to lie… I am guilty of much of this. I check Facebook a good 5+ times a day. I’ve tried networking through LinkedIn. Yoube has changed my life. Never really got into Twitter though (what’s the point?). Regardless, I suppose I could be considered a Social Media Addict. I have allowed it into my life and accepted it as part of my daily routine. I’m sure I could live without these sites, but I’d really rather not (well, except Twitter. Twitter is lame). And as a Social Networker, I can’t help but laugh at what these sites have done to us...

Social Networking has made people boring.

We have entered an age where nothing is held back, yet everything is condensed. We have gotten to the point where we feel obligated to post every thought we have and every little thing that happens to us. Most of the time, those thoughts and experiences are not interesting.

Because these thoughts and stories are not interesting, we borrow from creative people. Maybe they’re poets, musicians, or comedians. These regurgitated ideas may occasionally be interesting, but they’re not original.

So it dawns on us… we’re neither interesting nor original. But dammit, all of our friends are posting things, so we feel obligated and pressured to share our own thoughts. To hide the fact that we’re neither interesting nor original, we condense our thoughts. What we’ve ended up with is an entire generation of people who prefer expressing their opinion vaguely with 140 characters over an in-depth conversation, who view clicking “Like” as social interaction, and who post videos of obscure Counting Crows songs just because they perfectly describe their current mood.

We all have opinions. We all have stories. But sadly, many (if not most) of those opinions and stories are not interesting. Sadly, I’m no exception. Maybe I should just keep them to myself?

Nah.

I think I’ll try blogging instead.